Intentions

Something led me to Thailand. No one told me to come here, but I heard a calling. I wasn’t sure what to make of it at first because I desire things all the time. However, my desire to come to Thailand was different. I felt as though nothing in my life mattered unless I followed my heart (that’s what I determined myself to be doing: following my heart). But what exactly is following your heart? Is it simply carrying out your desires or is it giving your body what it needs? If the latter is true, how can we be sure that our bodies know what they need? We’re here in Thailand studying addiction, after all, and we’ve learned that addiction is training the mind to crave a certain result. Surely we can’t believe that a heroin addict searching for his/her next fix is following his/her heart.

In my life there was something different about approaching and giving in to my cravings than following my heart. Back in Minneapolis I was infatuated by many things. However, I never considered sleeping in extra late on the weekends, playing another hour of video games, or partying with my friends to be anything more than momentary desires. When those things began to no longer give me the happiness that they once did something in my body told me what to do. My subconscious memory remembered the little lessons of Buddhism that I had picked up through the last four, or so, years of my life. My mind knew that the trivial things I surrounded myself with were no longer doing anything for me, so I followed my heart to Thailand.

Although I knew that my heart led me here I did not know the true meaning behind it, or if it was even a valid reason for coming. I planned on asking the Thai people that I met, citizens and monks, how they viewed following the heart. What I found would prove to be mind-blowingly simple and indescribably beautiful.

I grew up boasting of the freedom that I have by living in America. However, Thailand is truly the land of the free. Thai society and culture has been sculpted by Buddhism much like American society and culture has been sculpted by Christianity. When I asked our Chiang Mai guide, Nina (who has been with us our entire stay in Chiang Mai), about following your heart she told me that, “Buddhism is the belief for the free.” She said that the Buddha told us to follow our hearts and live the kind of lives that we think our right. This teaching has caused the Thai people to be so accepting that it almost seems unnatural to an outsider that comes from a land where the different are ostracized. A great example of this in Thai culture is lady-boys. When going out to the night bazaar or the Sunday night market it is very common to see men dressed as women. The difference between Thai lady-boys and American drag queens are that the lady-boys here often undergo surgeries to actually give them female parts. Yes, this happens in America, but then we have people as extreme to hold signs that say, “God hates fags.” A huge percentage of the American population disagrees with this lifestyle and although not all are protestors, many silently disapprove within the comforting thoughts of their own minds.

We got picked up by a giant, coach bus our first day in Chiang Mai. On the bus our guide, Nina, introduced herself and began telling us about Thai culture and the city of Chiang Mai on our way to the hotel. Half way through her talk she began talking about lady-boys. By this time we were all fairly familiar with lady-boys in Thailand because during our second night in Bangkok we students adventured to the Red Light District where we saw plenty, plenty, of lady-boys. But here was a middle-aged, Thai woman almost showing off Thailand’s freedom to be a lady-boy. After about a week had passed I approached Nina and asked her about following your heart in a one-on-one setting. She began telling me about the importance this has within Thai culture because of the teachings of the Buddha. She talked about how Thai people value being able to choose their path. She told me that she followed her heart to her current position as a freelance guide for foreigners through Chiang Mai. This job makes her incredibly happy and she told me that a great source of happiness for Thai people comes from the freedom to follow your heart.

Later on the trip a group of nine of us went on a two and a half hour hike through the woodland hills of northern Thailand. The man who led us on the expedition was named Jackie and was actually one of Nina’s friends from school. Jackie was also a freelance guide who loved his job. After our hike I began asking him about his life and the topic of following your heart emerged. I told him about the conversation I had had with Nina and was now curious about the expectations involved in Thai culture. Nina had told me that the Thai people valued following their hearts and walking down a path that seemed suitable to them, but were there still expectations, from friends, family, or society, that desired for children to grow up following a certain road? The answer was yes. Jackie told me that his parents originally wanted him to grow up and join the military. But Jackie looked inside himself and knew that he was not meant for the military so he followed his heart to the university and then to the wooded hills of northern Thailand with nine American college students. Jackie felt like his peace and happiness was a result of following his heart. However, the perspective of average Thai citizens was not enough for me, so I also began to ask these questions to the Buddhist monks that I was meeting throughout my travels.

My first experience with Buddhist monks was at the temple of Wat Tham Krabok. There I had conversations with two monks: Phra Chayon and Phra Vichit. Phra Vichit’s story was quite simple. At the age of 16 he had the desire to become a Buddhist monk. He told me that he came to Wat Tham Krabok, liked the color of the robes (which were maroon versus the standard orange robes that most other Thai Buddhist temples had), and decided to stay. Phra Chayon actually grew up without the desire to become a monk. He lived a “normal” life through becoming an engineer, getting married, and having kids. However, there came to be a day when he realized that he had been robbing himself of happiness. Thus, he decided to abandon his life as a common person and become a Buddhist monk at Wat Tham Krabok. Phra Chayon talked about how he had ignored his heart and tried to live by the expectations that were placed on him by his surroundings. This caused him much suffering and he was eventually able to find a path that was suitable for him. I talked to many other monks at other Buddhist temples and they all gave me similar responses. They told me to follow my heart to the path that led to peace and happiness. But I was still unsure where the difference was between following your heart and going after what was comfortable.

The monks at the Buddhist temple of Wat Suan Dok led our class on a meditation retreat about 15-20 minutes outside the heart of Chiang Mai. As a class, we have been practicing meditation quite often in intervals of about 20 minutes. The meditation retreat, however, was much different. It was an overnight stay where for nearly 24 hours our sole purpose was to discover the wonders of deep meditation. The monks speak of a state that one can enter through the deepest levels of meditation. This is called the state of emptiness or detachment, which is actually quite opposite to the actual phenomena, but I guess it makes sense in a monk sort of way. For a short amount of time in the early morning of a meditation session I experienced this state. As I observed the body, the breath, and the mind I delved deeper and deeper into my consciousness when all of a sudden all the pain in my muscles and joints from sitting disappeared. My body felt like a statue, one solid structure that would sit still for all time. For the first time in my life I felt truly as one. I no longer felt my arms, legs, and head separately, just one solid structure. I could feel my body resting upon the earth and see my place alongside all other living creatures. My mind became clear and unclouded. Any thought that I wished to think was given full attention until passing. The peace I felt in this state was unmatched by anything I had ever previously imagined, but above all I felt joy. Raw joy unlike any I’d ever felt. Happiness that wasn’t created by a joke, or a game, or a friend, it just was. I had finally done it. I had been given a glimpse of where my heart was telling me to go. I never wanted to leave this state, but alas I heard the words of the monk telling us to open our eyes.

Excited about what I had uncovered I anxiously awaited our next session to go back home. However, I found myself trying too hard. I sat in meditation allowing my cravings to drive me. This made it difficult to enter the state of detachment and I never again retained that state while we were at the retreat. I brought this issue to the monk for his guidance. I asked if this desire was bad, if I needed to let it go in order to let my body naturally flow into the state of detachment. Surprisingly he said, “No.” He said that this desire was from good intentions and then it became clear. Intentions were the key to following your heart.

In the Buddhist philosophy intentions are seen as the guiding force for all actions. When the monk spoke of good intentions he was speaking of good things coming from the intention for good things. Our good intentions lead us to actions that bring forth good to all parties involved. My heart was leading me to Buddhism to find a truly sustainable form of peace and happiness. This desire for peace and happiness is from good intentions. I desire peace and happiness for myself so that I may enjoy each moment of my life and so that I may share it with everyone else around me. The trivial desires that had previously ruled my life were not found by following my heart because they were not made from good intentions. I just wanted them for the here and now. I didn’t care if they benefited anyone in the long run. Sure, I definitely found some benefits within these actions, but they were not truly good intentions.

Our hearts seem to want good for all creatures and lead us down paths that bring good to us all. Robbing ourselves of that in order to follow the path that others created for us seems almost inhumane. May your heart guide you away from suffering and into a place of true peace and happiness.

            

Addiction

I can’t seem to gather my thoughts. They’re all over the place and I debated on whether or not I should even write this blog. We’ve done and learned so many great things and I have countless amounts of topics to write a blog on, I just can’t seem to do it. I don’t care. About anything really. I’m right back to where I started my journey about six months ago. This can be seen as a sign for a number of things. The two most extremes say that either Wat Tham Krabok really was the place I’ve been searching for or that I’m too unstable to know what’s good for me. Regardless, something that I can’t stop thinking about was a topic that we talked about in class.

We’ve discussed many aspects of addiction and earlier this week we were discussing the neurological side of it. The part that stuck out to me was our discussion on the neurotransmitter dopamine. To my understanding, our brain releases dopamine when we partake in pleasurable activities. The release of this chemical into our brain accounts for a lot of the happiness that comes from pleasurable activities. Our brain sits at a natural level of dopamine and when we partake in a pleasurable action (which releases higher levels of dopamine) our brain wants us to partake in that particular action again so it can experience that higher level of dopamine. This process plays a huge role in drug addiction when the intake of drugs causes tremendous amounts of dopamine release. Since the brain likes lots of dopamine, it’s going to try to get you to partake in that action again. This is one of the core processes that leads to craving.

Back home there were many activities that I would do to give my brain its fix of dopamine. When I came to Thailand I missed some of those activities more than others, but they were all still present in my mind. Upon arriving to Wat Tham Krabok I knew that I would never have to do any of those things again. To my conscious mind my experience had seemed to be exactly what I was looking for, but what was going on in my unconscious mind neurologically? I have to wonder if my experience at Wat Tham Krabok gave my brain a larger spike of dopamine than any of the other activities I was taking part in back home.

Ever since leaving the Wat, all I can think about is going back for an extended period of time and every day gets harder and harder. Is my brain experiencing the first stage of addiction? At this point I don’t really care, I’m just glad that the world seems to view my junkie brain’s drug fix (seeking Buddhist teachings at a temple in Thailand) as constructive versus destructive. 

Answers

Not every question has an answer. To believe otherwise is fine and dandy until one is seduced by the universal wonders of existentialism. You’ve very likely experienced the philosophy if you’ve ever stopped for a second on a warm summer night, looked up at the sky, and wondered what your place in this world was. 

Well I did this every night last summer and the overbearing silence that I was given aged me faster than time and made me bitter. An existential crisis, what I soon came to call it, shortly ensued. An apathetic disease that not only caused me to forget who I was but created a man that thought he never knew. This led me to frantically search for the answers that I thought were hidden from me. I searched in glass pipes and beer bottles, stories and television screens, everywhere that was within my grasp and then further. Every question led to another and another and another until the only sensible conclusion I could reach was that nothing mattered. “If only I could find meaning in my life,” I told myself, “I could be happy.”

For reasons not quite understood, I’ve always been fascinated by Buddhism. When the start of school this year proved to be as meaningless as everything else, my heart began telling me to look towards the teachings of the Buddha. A light began to emerge in my life, a light that was brighter than any I’d seen since my teenage years. However, this beautiful glow was not close; it was over seas. This is what led me to Chiang Mai, to Bangkok, to Ayutthaya, and most importantly Wat Tham Krabok. For I had one question left and it was for the Buddhist monks: “Is purpose worth striving for?” I wanted to know if the need for meaning was like the need for everything else. Was it ever going to be enough? Was it something I should learn to live without?

Statues of the Buddha at Wat Tham Krabok

When we arrived at the Buddhist temple of Wat Tham Krabok we were greeted by the monks and brought to a place where one of the monks (his name escapes me) taught us about the temple, what went on there, and Buddhism in general. After his talk we were invited to ask questions. This was an opportunity to ask class related questions that pertained to our cultural perspective groups. After a few questions there seemed to be no more and we sat in silence while the monk waited for any last thoughts. As the silence persisted I was dying to move on so I could ask the monks my question of purpose in a smaller setting. The monk must have sensed this because out of no where his head turned directly to me. Our eyes locked as the monk, with raised brows, said, “Question.” He wasn’t asking if I had a question, he was telling me. To be polite I asked what was going on in Thailand in the 1950’s that caused people to suddenly come to Wat Tham Krabok for drug addiction treatment, a question I already knew the answer to from Steven Martin’s Opium Fiend. Unexpectedly, and quite shockingly, the monk left the front, walked over to where I was, and sat down directly in front of me. Looking directly in to my eyes he spoke to me, and only me. Although I can’t necessarily tell you what he said to me, I can tell you what I heard.

He began to talk of a contract, one that binds every person on the planet. The contract leads us through our lives and tells us where to go. He told me that the Buddha taught us to follow the contract and only by following our hearts can we live like the Buddha. He then asked, “You want to be Buddhist monk?” something I actually think of quite often, “Learn from the Buddha. Think like the Buddha.” He then stood up, returned to the front of the class, and continued his talk like nothing had happened. Speechless and confused I sat there. Why did he tell that? Why would he assume I wanted to be a monk? But, for the first time in years I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Finally someone had ignored my words and stared right into my heart, speaking to my very soul instead of my broken and predisposed mind. I then realized that the answers I had tried so hard to acquire didn’t exist in the realm of language. They were deep inside the spiritual plains of existence, buried by endless amounts of “knowledge” that was forced down my throat by my superiors. These questions could not be spoken and the answers not told, they had to be felt.

The monk sharing Wat Tham Krabok's herbal tea with me after our conversation.

After exchanging emails with the monks they invited me to visit again for as long as I wish. Before goodbyes, the monk from earlier placed his hand on my shoulder and said with sheer certainty, “I am confident that you will come back.” They could sense my lost soul desperately searching for a light in the darkness. Soon I will return to Wat Tham Krabok with a cooled tongue and let my heart do the talking.