Intentions

Something led me to Thailand. No one told me to come here, but I heard a calling. I wasn’t sure what to make of it at first because I desire things all the time. However, my desire to come to Thailand was different. I felt as though nothing in my life mattered unless I followed my heart (that’s what I determined myself to be doing: following my heart). But what exactly is following your heart? Is it simply carrying out your desires or is it giving your body what it needs? If the latter is true, how can we be sure that our bodies know what they need? We’re here in Thailand studying addiction, after all, and we’ve learned that addiction is training the mind to crave a certain result. Surely we can’t believe that a heroin addict searching for his/her next fix is following his/her heart.

In my life there was something different about approaching and giving in to my cravings than following my heart. Back in Minneapolis I was infatuated by many things. However, I never considered sleeping in extra late on the weekends, playing another hour of video games, or partying with my friends to be anything more than momentary desires. When those things began to no longer give me the happiness that they once did something in my body told me what to do. My subconscious memory remembered the little lessons of Buddhism that I had picked up through the last four, or so, years of my life. My mind knew that the trivial things I surrounded myself with were no longer doing anything for me, so I followed my heart to Thailand.

Although I knew that my heart led me here I did not know the true meaning behind it, or if it was even a valid reason for coming. I planned on asking the Thai people that I met, citizens and monks, how they viewed following the heart. What I found would prove to be mind-blowingly simple and indescribably beautiful.

I grew up boasting of the freedom that I have by living in America. However, Thailand is truly the land of the free. Thai society and culture has been sculpted by Buddhism much like American society and culture has been sculpted by Christianity. When I asked our Chiang Mai guide, Nina (who has been with us our entire stay in Chiang Mai), about following your heart she told me that, “Buddhism is the belief for the free.” She said that the Buddha told us to follow our hearts and live the kind of lives that we think our right. This teaching has caused the Thai people to be so accepting that it almost seems unnatural to an outsider that comes from a land where the different are ostracized. A great example of this in Thai culture is lady-boys. When going out to the night bazaar or the Sunday night market it is very common to see men dressed as women. The difference between Thai lady-boys and American drag queens are that the lady-boys here often undergo surgeries to actually give them female parts. Yes, this happens in America, but then we have people as extreme to hold signs that say, “God hates fags.” A huge percentage of the American population disagrees with this lifestyle and although not all are protestors, many silently disapprove within the comforting thoughts of their own minds.

We got picked up by a giant, coach bus our first day in Chiang Mai. On the bus our guide, Nina, introduced herself and began telling us about Thai culture and the city of Chiang Mai on our way to the hotel. Half way through her talk she began talking about lady-boys. By this time we were all fairly familiar with lady-boys in Thailand because during our second night in Bangkok we students adventured to the Red Light District where we saw plenty, plenty, of lady-boys. But here was a middle-aged, Thai woman almost showing off Thailand’s freedom to be a lady-boy. After about a week had passed I approached Nina and asked her about following your heart in a one-on-one setting. She began telling me about the importance this has within Thai culture because of the teachings of the Buddha. She talked about how Thai people value being able to choose their path. She told me that she followed her heart to her current position as a freelance guide for foreigners through Chiang Mai. This job makes her incredibly happy and she told me that a great source of happiness for Thai people comes from the freedom to follow your heart.

Later on the trip a group of nine of us went on a two and a half hour hike through the woodland hills of northern Thailand. The man who led us on the expedition was named Jackie and was actually one of Nina’s friends from school. Jackie was also a freelance guide who loved his job. After our hike I began asking him about his life and the topic of following your heart emerged. I told him about the conversation I had had with Nina and was now curious about the expectations involved in Thai culture. Nina had told me that the Thai people valued following their hearts and walking down a path that seemed suitable to them, but were there still expectations, from friends, family, or society, that desired for children to grow up following a certain road? The answer was yes. Jackie told me that his parents originally wanted him to grow up and join the military. But Jackie looked inside himself and knew that he was not meant for the military so he followed his heart to the university and then to the wooded hills of northern Thailand with nine American college students. Jackie felt like his peace and happiness was a result of following his heart. However, the perspective of average Thai citizens was not enough for me, so I also began to ask these questions to the Buddhist monks that I was meeting throughout my travels.

My first experience with Buddhist monks was at the temple of Wat Tham Krabok. There I had conversations with two monks: Phra Chayon and Phra Vichit. Phra Vichit’s story was quite simple. At the age of 16 he had the desire to become a Buddhist monk. He told me that he came to Wat Tham Krabok, liked the color of the robes (which were maroon versus the standard orange robes that most other Thai Buddhist temples had), and decided to stay. Phra Chayon actually grew up without the desire to become a monk. He lived a “normal” life through becoming an engineer, getting married, and having kids. However, there came to be a day when he realized that he had been robbing himself of happiness. Thus, he decided to abandon his life as a common person and become a Buddhist monk at Wat Tham Krabok. Phra Chayon talked about how he had ignored his heart and tried to live by the expectations that were placed on him by his surroundings. This caused him much suffering and he was eventually able to find a path that was suitable for him. I talked to many other monks at other Buddhist temples and they all gave me similar responses. They told me to follow my heart to the path that led to peace and happiness. But I was still unsure where the difference was between following your heart and going after what was comfortable.

The monks at the Buddhist temple of Wat Suan Dok led our class on a meditation retreat about 15-20 minutes outside the heart of Chiang Mai. As a class, we have been practicing meditation quite often in intervals of about 20 minutes. The meditation retreat, however, was much different. It was an overnight stay where for nearly 24 hours our sole purpose was to discover the wonders of deep meditation. The monks speak of a state that one can enter through the deepest levels of meditation. This is called the state of emptiness or detachment, which is actually quite opposite to the actual phenomena, but I guess it makes sense in a monk sort of way. For a short amount of time in the early morning of a meditation session I experienced this state. As I observed the body, the breath, and the mind I delved deeper and deeper into my consciousness when all of a sudden all the pain in my muscles and joints from sitting disappeared. My body felt like a statue, one solid structure that would sit still for all time. For the first time in my life I felt truly as one. I no longer felt my arms, legs, and head separately, just one solid structure. I could feel my body resting upon the earth and see my place alongside all other living creatures. My mind became clear and unclouded. Any thought that I wished to think was given full attention until passing. The peace I felt in this state was unmatched by anything I had ever previously imagined, but above all I felt joy. Raw joy unlike any I’d ever felt. Happiness that wasn’t created by a joke, or a game, or a friend, it just was. I had finally done it. I had been given a glimpse of where my heart was telling me to go. I never wanted to leave this state, but alas I heard the words of the monk telling us to open our eyes.

Excited about what I had uncovered I anxiously awaited our next session to go back home. However, I found myself trying too hard. I sat in meditation allowing my cravings to drive me. This made it difficult to enter the state of detachment and I never again retained that state while we were at the retreat. I brought this issue to the monk for his guidance. I asked if this desire was bad, if I needed to let it go in order to let my body naturally flow into the state of detachment. Surprisingly he said, “No.” He said that this desire was from good intentions and then it became clear. Intentions were the key to following your heart.

In the Buddhist philosophy intentions are seen as the guiding force for all actions. When the monk spoke of good intentions he was speaking of good things coming from the intention for good things. Our good intentions lead us to actions that bring forth good to all parties involved. My heart was leading me to Buddhism to find a truly sustainable form of peace and happiness. This desire for peace and happiness is from good intentions. I desire peace and happiness for myself so that I may enjoy each moment of my life and so that I may share it with everyone else around me. The trivial desires that had previously ruled my life were not found by following my heart because they were not made from good intentions. I just wanted them for the here and now. I didn’t care if they benefited anyone in the long run. Sure, I definitely found some benefits within these actions, but they were not truly good intentions.

Our hearts seem to want good for all creatures and lead us down paths that bring good to us all. Robbing ourselves of that in order to follow the path that others created for us seems almost inhumane. May your heart guide you away from suffering and into a place of true peace and happiness.